Lying is a human behavior that everyone uses in their lives. Sometimes, they are white lies, harmless and aimed above all at protecting the other, or avoiding hurting unnecessarily. But for other reasons, lying fulfills needs that can be unhealthy and end up destroying relationships. And when a person uses this strategy too often and for the wrong reasons, lying can become a form of habit and way of being. « Liars » often come to the point of no longer acknowledging what is true of what is false.
Let’s go and see together the needs hidden behind the lies.
White lies
The white lie is the most « delicate » of verbal deceptions. It is tolerated by the majority of people, because it is first and foremost because it fulfills a social function. Often used so as not to offend and hurt others, it sometimes comes to occupy empty spaces in discussions or save us when necessary, when we have made a small mistake that we do not want to assume. A little « cute » mistake that doesn’t hurt anyone. Socially accepted, most people use it when needed. This type of lying does not harm others and is not intended to deceive or take advantage of others.
Examples:
Someone invites us to a party that we would like to avoid, so we mention that we already have a project planned for that day. Or we mention that the traffic was heavy this morning, which explains our slight delay at work, rather than having pushed off our alarm too often. Our friend’s haircut is rather disastrous: we tell her that it is a bold style, not wishing to hurt her in her attempt to change her style.
White lies are tolerated and useful in our social life. Especially for adults in front of children. Since they cannot understand beyond their maturity and innocence, the adult must hide certain subjects or events that are very complex for them and that could even harm them. Does a child need to know everything about the reasons for their parents’ divorce, for example, and the adult issues involved? At the risk of feeling torn between his two parents, not understanding their behaviors or attitudes towards each other.
The 7 Human Reasons Behind Lies
With the exception of the little white canards, lies in general too often create destructive, misleading impacts and taint our social relationships. They distort reality, confuse us and are human behaviors in the most hated. Here is a list of reasons that lead someone to lie. Reasons that often hide psychological suffering, strategies to avoid reality, a lack of maturity and empathy, and in the worst cases, a desire to take advantage of others.
Lies to avoid punishment or consequences
This reason is quite common in children. They try to hide their misdeeds, even if it means accusing another child to avoid punishment. Very often, this kind of lie in children is blatant and obvious. The young child, not having the cognitive maturity to realize that there were many witnesses who saw him, that his lie does not hold water, or even that we caught him doing so, uses this bad social strategy, because he still has very few in his bank of means to interact with others. The more he develops, the less the lie will pay off for him, the more he will eventually want his behaviors to reflect the value he wishes to project of himself.
In adults, however, lying becomes more elaborate. The person who chooses to lie, may add « let him swear » or tell us « trust me » and « why would I betray you? » by giving a lot of details, playing with our emotions, to get his things across. The adult who lies does so consciously and deliberately, always having a purpose behind his actions. A classic example in adults is the one who finds himself in front of judge and jury, and who promises to « tell the truth and only the truth », with his left hand on the Bible. That or prison, unfortunately many people who hope to get out of it ditto, without having to pay for the damage, will lie without guilt.
Simple as anything, in this type of lie, the person lies to avoid living the consequences of his actions. To prevent the spouse from leaving us, to avoid being accused of hurting someone, or to hide behaviours that shame us, lying is an unhealthy social strategy that humans use a little too easily. Lying by omission, that is, simply not saying what happened, hoping that it will not be discovered, is part of this category of lying.
Hidden needs: Learn to think better about one’s behaviors. Develop empathy and think with others in mind. To develop your problem-solving skills, such as conflict resolution for example. Develop the ability to wait and not always aim for immediate gratification. To develop emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Lies to avoid taking responsibility
This reason is similar to the first, which is to avoid the consequences of one’s actions. But here, avoidance takes root much deeper in the psyche. Yes, the person wants to avoid any form of punishment, but this behavior appears especially when the person does not want to take responsibility for his or her actions. She wants to avoid the unpleasant emotions that come with her misdeeds. Like shame, guilt and regret, which point to us « without a white glove », that our behavior is unworthy. It is more the emotions and realizations that the person tries to avoid. Let’s take the example of the child who claims not to have hit the other person to avoid the consequences, a behavior more like the first reason. And differently, a young person who minimizes the blow he gave, saying that he barely touched him, even if the other child is crying, lying on the ground.
Behaviors of minimizing and distorting reality regularly accompany this form of lying. The person tries to protect his ego because of a lack of humility and self-esteem. It is easier to pretend that nothing really serious has happened, than to live with shame and regret! Because if these emotions accompany us, then we must change our behavior, apologize, and make mandatory awareness. Exercises requiring a lot of work on oneself. This type of lie turns out to be a way to avoid facing reality. And tragically, the person may end up believing his or her own lie, repeating it continuously and defending his or her point of view too frequently, without ever acknowledging the other’s experience.
Lies to get what you don’t deserve
Whether it’s for objects, rewards or money, or for attention and merit, some people will dare to lie shamelessly. « It’s a good thing I was there for Simon, because without my help, I don’t think he would have made it. It is thanks to me that he received this honour. Some people will try to steal fame and praise, by unfairly associating themselves with that of others, or conversely, by denigrating their merits.
Cheating is part of this category of lies. Copying each other’s answers to an exam, or stealing a good idea, are deceitful ways to succeed. The cheater tries to appropriate the other person’s efforts, opinions, knowledge and discipline, by making it appear that it comes from his or her personal abilities.
On a smaller scale, the example of the person who lies, saying that he has done a service, without really having done the action, to get the money. Like the child who says he took the dog out for a walk all week to get his allowance, without the poor dog even putting his paw outside.
Hidden Needs: Develop empathy and grow emotional intelligence. Teach the importance of effort and develop perseverance. Understand that mistakes are part of all learning. Develop pride through honor, mutual aid and through accomplishment through action. To increase the person’s self-esteem.
Lies to hurt or take revenge
Common lies among jealous and jealous, which are feelings that are widely observed in people who lack self-esteem. These lies are observed when a person speaks badly of others or starts rumors. Making up stories about others to belittle them, damage their reputation, or to put obstacles in their lives, are destructive behaviors. Unsightly, selfish, unworthy and ignoble, this kind of lie does a lot of harm.
Often, the person who is lying tries to get others on board to support their lies. She can take pleasure in seeing the other person suffer through his or her words. But sometimes, she may not realize the extent of her behaviors, only wanting to respond to her anger, without thinking about the consequences for herself or for the other. Sometimes on the edge of legality, some lies of this type come across this line and contravene the law. Because by « snowball effect », the lie ends up growing and scattering so much that it is no longer recoverable. To thwart them, it is others who hear these lies who must denounce them and avoid feeding and spreading them themselves.
Hidden Needs : Develop empathy for others and grow emotional intelligence. Teach social skills. To increase the person’s self-esteem. Assess whether past injuries caused the person to react in this way. Work on redemption, pride and humility to admit mistakes. Give the chance to right wrongs, if the person reaches this level of introspection and willingness to make amends.
Lies to invent a better self-image
A banal reality, a life in the most common, some people can create an alter ego to escape their daily life or try to appear better in the eyes of others. The person may end up inventing stories or trophies won. Mention doing a fictitious job, which is just an old unfulfilled dream. Inventing a romantic relationship so that we don’t have to admit our celibacy that has lasted too long. In short, some people use lies to escape their reality and give a better image of themselves to others. Useful for attracting the attention of others, these lies allow, for a moment at least, to project a different, idealized personality or a more attractive way of life, in order to facilitate social contacts and feel more important.
A double-edged sword, these lies do not hold water. When the character comes to light, when the character falls, all that remains is the rejection of those who believed the lies, as well as the feeling of betrayal that the lie has left behind. On a very large scale, this type of lying can resemble mental health problems, when the person comes to believe in this imaginary life that he or she has created for himself, unable to face his or her reality.
Hidden needs : To grow your self-esteem. Develop your skills in order to grow your personal potential. To help the person take action to build the life he or she wants to have. Develop a sense of effort and perseverance. To accompany the person to accept his or her reality and guide him or her to set in motion the actions to be taken to build himself.
Lies to attract sympathy
This type of lying allows the person to get the attention of others for a while. Whether it is for their pity or for self-esteem, the person lies for support, benevolence and contact with others. We are then faced with lies about a saddest disease, or by a chronic pain invented or amplified. A story of a deceased parent, a difficult childhood, life stories that are invented or transformed, but which, when told to others, exploit their empathy. Thus leading them to pamper and support the person in his or her falsehoods.
In another direction, the person may invent a scenario to be encouraged and congratulated, such as a fake pregnancy for example, which will end in a miscarriage, from the congratulations of others, to their sympathy for the loss of the baby. By inventing difficult moments or traumas they have experienced, so that their courage and determination can be highlighted.
Hidden needs: To grow self-esteem and develop emotional intelligence. Develop social skills so that the person develops real healthy and positive contact with others. So that his social relationships are nourishing and true. Certain wounds from the past can contribute to this type of profile.
Lies to gain undeserved advantages, to exploit others
This last category of verbal sneakery aims to exploit and take advantage of others. This type of lie is not necessarily intended to hurt, such as starting from negative rumors for example, but rather has the objective of stealing and taking advantage of others. Evil is done by inevitable cause and effect, but the first intention is selfishly, to meet our own needs and desires first. « I want something, and by any means, I will get it. »
Inventing problems to get someone to give us money. Make someone believe that you love them and take advantage of their love for us, to exploit their contacts, their money or to control their behavior. Lying to use someone, through theft, extortion and manipulation in the worst forms. This type of lying is regularly observed through crime, in people for whom the « other » is not of much value.
Hidden needs : Here, this form of lying illustrates a very low level of empathy and a flagrant lack of benevolence towards the other. The person must develop the ability to wait and not always aim for immediate satisfaction. She must find a deeper meaning in her life. She must develop her emotional and social intelligence, which is very limited. The person probably has antisocial traits.
Behind the lie, there is the human
Maybe you’ve already told an important lie that you regret, or lying has caused enough trouble that you’ve had your lesson for life. And like everyone else, you probably lie sometimes, when the situation is necessary, with small, harmless white lies that aim to avoid hurting the other person. Or just so you don’t have to justify yourself. To keep certain facts personal, or to avoid having to explain complex things, when it would not add anything to the situation.
Lying is human. I, the first, admit to having used it in the past, and still today, very rarely and for reasons that I consider acceptable. As a child, I tried to get out of trouble by lying on more than one occasion. Wanting to look better in the eyes of others, or to slip through the cracks, I probably made up stories here and there, using lies as a strategy.
Obviously more mature today, having more wisdom and self-confidence, protecting the truth and naming things for what they are, make me proud and turn out to be much braver and dignified behaviors in my eyes. Humility, acknowledging our responsibility and assuming our mistakes are human behaviors in the wisest and most respectable, which I teach from the heart to the children I work with. To get to this stage of human wisdom, however, we have to make a lot of mistakes, questioning ourselves in our lives and tolerating that our ego is sometimes weakened by not having had the best behaviors. You have to accept to plunder your pride, sometimes through shame, guilt and regret. Emotions that exist to teach us how to become a better person. To change our inappropriate behaviors and learn to live well with others.
For some people, however, lying is integrated or even merged with their social behaviors. Behaviors that respond to their malaise, their lack of self-esteem, of empathy, to flee in fictional scenarios, far from their suffering or empty realities.
Like all human behavior, lying responds to needs that are not heard. He points to old sufferings buried in oblivion, but which still poison the person. Lying often turns out to be an avoidance-and-flight strategy, or completely inadequate attempts to connect with others.
No work on oneself can be done if the person is not aware of his or her behaviors. And wanting to open up about a person’s lies can be laborious. By putting the following categories of lies on the table, and teaching the reasons why people lie, we can open doors that were previously impossible to open. Rather than accusing and blaming, offering explanations about human needs and the reasons that lead a person to lie is a gentler and more caring way to reach out to the other, to accompany them on a journey of self and to aim to change maladaptive behaviors. Knowledge is always power: once we open our eyes, it is impossible for us to forget what we have understood.
To conclude, keep in mind that behaviors do not make the person. We are not our mistakes, our suffering, or the result of our cognitive biases. A person who has used lying in his life as an adaptive strategy, a bad strategy of course, is not a bad person. Because otherwise, we would all be. No one can claim to have ever lied and will not tell any more lies. It is better to forgive oneself at once, for the chances of attaining this human perfection are most unlikely.
Inappropriate behaviours are more the result of hidden needs. Often human needs are poorly met, in a person who has limits of development and self-construction. Behaviors should be treated simply as symptoms of suffering perhaps, or challenges in the person. Such as impacts related to undeveloped skills, such as a lack of maturity and emotional intelligence for example, or low empathy. Limited emotion management skills or as someone with few social skills.
It is these needs that we must dig up, bring to light, and try to meet them for the people who try to accompany them. Or by the person himself who is walking in his or her self-development. By identifying the types of lies we sometimes use, we can better reflect on the consequences of our actions, but more importantly on why we act. Only then will there be a beginning of progress, towards a possible learning of life, which will bring us a little closer to wisdom and happiness.
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